i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
