just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
