i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I need to sanitize my soul.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
