I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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