Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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