Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
