so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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