I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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