Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
