my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
