why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
