Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
