i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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