I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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