you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
