Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
