not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
