If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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