i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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