I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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