I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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