i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize