I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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