My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
