mondays should just be called national damage control day
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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