my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
