her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
