isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
