You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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