i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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