I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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