So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
