Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize