I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
