just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
