All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
