U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
