my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Acid is not a monday night drug
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
