how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
