official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
