Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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