I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
