she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
