Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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