And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
