Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
