She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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