Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
