I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
