i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
