onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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