I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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