I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
