Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
