I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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