I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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