i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
