i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
