hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
