so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
