How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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