You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
