ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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